service with a sneer
At Evil Wizard Elixirs we are committed to one thing. Evil.
Evil is the guiding principle of our visionary bossman and retired super villian, The Evil Wizard.
put the Evil inside you!
In his days of bathtub brewing the Wizard came up with a variety of potions (just don't call them concoctions or he'll give you the glare of death). However, these days his focus seems to be hell bent on legitimizing his alcohol game, so these drinks have had to take a back seat to the canned and corked consumables listed above.
That doesn't mean, however, that His Vileness won't decide to resurrect any or all of these for the sake of the Minions' nostalgic demands (who are we kidding, he cares not for "sake" or "demands"). In any case, they are presented here for a more comprehensive insight into the Wizard's nefarious mind and history.
- Emissary #11
Well, here's the thing. Our products are somewhere between a secret brand and something that doesn't exist yet. Mr. Wizard is currently negotiating with a variety of craft distillers and brewers across Canada to determine where to build his new base.
He doesn't want to use his own 25 foot fractionating reflux distiller because he absolutely cannot stand having inspectors in his secret lair. Also it's filthy. Spiders and bats and racoons in the rafters, and under the ground, some rather nasty ROUSSs.
The Wizard is not big on human rights, much less workplace safety. We used to do facility tours for that quick tourism cash and the hard sale for the bottles, but that all ended when the ground opened up and swallowed the entire group. Our sandworm has a taste for yankee flesh. Point is, it's just easier if our Inglorious Leader does the proper paperwork, buys off the relevant officials, and does his alcoholic apostlery in a pre-approved facility.
In the meantime, you can contact the Wizard directly.
who is the Evil Wizard?
The Evil Wizard has officially retired from his career of Super Villainy. His parole officer suggested that he look to his core proficiencies and get back to what he was doing before he turned to plans of world domination, staged fights with costumed heroes and horrendous but hilarious crimes against humanity.
He agreed with her, smirking in that way of his, and vowed to never give up his lifestyle of intoxicating nights, dancing to weird music, cavorting with his sordid underlings, and humiliating his henchmen on a regular basis.
After kidnapping a career counsellor and doing a lot of soul searching (he never found it), he looked into his dark heart (stored in a collapsed mineshaft) and found the things that get him out of bed in the afternoon: Death and alcohol. So now, moonlighting as a mortician, he has returned to his alchemical background and is releasing a line of spirits he is reasonably sure won't murder anyone.
As loath as he was (and loathsome he is) to share his absinthe, that magical elixir which s the source of his nefarious powers and his vigorous longevity, he figured that if his customers (he calls them dirty "minions") started getting a taste for the depraved nightlife and the urge to knock down some weenies in tights, it would just take the spotlight away from him for a while.
He has been making his Evil Wizard Absinthe since 2005 in machines he built himself (he always cackles when he says that) and has been tweaking the recipe each year. In 2010 the Wizard began developing his line of high percentage cocktails from whiskies, rums, gins and vodkas that he tested on us poor henchmen. By 2013 they didn't even taste gross anymore! Except for the ones that were designed to be gross. Don't ask why, we have learned it is simply easier to accept his sick sense of humour.
These days, Mr. Wizard's alchemical chops are in peak form and everything coming out of his lab is pretty tasty. He doesn't give a damn for inventory control since he drinks most of the product and we long suffering henchmen keep ourselves pretty loose and liquid. We lost a lot of brothers in our decade long struggles with those capering do-gooders prancing around with their square jaws. We have all got PTSD at this point and drinking takes the edge off the survivors guilt. Henchman #16 still wakes up screaming in the night but his bottle helps. Henchman #6 would rather be fighting still, he's a mad dog who doesn't understand that this semi-retirement is a gift. We put rum in his porridge to keep him from smashing up the place.
My point is that there is a little excess product and we are offering it to you, the minions, for sale. Cash money. It costs a lot to keep the secret underground lair operating. The lights don't run on orphan's tears anymore, this isn't the eighties.
- Henchman #27, Head Website Gimp
Throughout the years, the Wizard has browbeaten many artists into helping him produce his badly photoshopped labels. Several of them could not bear the strain of the nightmarish fantasy images he lodged in their heads, and are now broken people, gibbering away in basements and attics.
His Vileness does enjoy paying royalties to the families of these unfortunate souls, for their care and upkeep (read: tapioca and diapers). It makes him feel generous and self-important.
Swell the ranks! The Evil Wizard needs fresh blood. (A+ and O+ preferred). We are always accepting applications:
- Henchmen - Life expectancy 15 years, highest in the business.
- Sordid Underlings - Complimentary booty shorts provided.
- Acolytes - Please include your mystical affiliations and esoteric educational background.
- Emissaries - Alcohol sales reps preferred, NLP and hypnosis training provided.
- Minions - Thanks for your money. Now scram before we hook you up to one of these infernal machines and we see what you're made of.
No former sidekicks. Heroism will not be tolerated. Evil Wizard Elixirs is committed to employment equity, but we have already hired our quota of clowns and Juggalos.
Send your CV with complete list of evil deeds, weird powers, and past villain bosses. Include head shots, body measurements, naughty pictures and email to
Pleas for mercy may be whimpered into your phone by calling
Calls will be recorded for entertainment value.
Unwed mothers, honorary degrees and sacrificial lambs may be shipped to: