Service with a sneer
At Evil Wizard Elixirs we are committed to one thing. Evil. Evil is the guiding principle of our visionary bossman and retired super villian, The Evil Wizard.
Put the EVIL inside you!
Spirits of Evil Present
Our head supervillian and founder of VILE CORP, The Evil Wizard, has decreed that faux-vintage alcohols, “lovingly hand-crafted with only the finest artisanal ingredients,” are anathema. As are the odious multinational alcohol companies that fill our shelves with industrially produced swill. When Earth falls to The Wizard (or the millennials) we will strike down the monopolistic oligarchs and bathe free in a sea of purifying alcohol, washing away the sins of our fathers and welcoming with reverence and utter obedience, our new all-father, The Evil Wizard.
L’Absinthe Sordide is the result of 15 years of research into Alchemy and Spagyrics. It is a “full spectrum” tincture that contains the life force of 14 herbs imported from Europe, Australia and Asia, but it tastes less like bitter medicine than it does a well-rounded bouquet of anise, citrus and mint with spicy grass and wood notes that roll across the tongue in stages. The bitterness of two kinds of wormwood is balanced by a small amount of sugar. Just enough to make it officially a liqueur so that the gubment doesn’t make us put our secret formula on the label.
The colour at 70% is a dusky emerald but we are offering L’Absinthe Sordide at 40% for ease of drinking so the color is a pale leaf green. When produced, the drink is cloudy and pre-louched, but sometimes the louche breaks and settles, the plant oils coming out of solution. This sediment does not change the texture or flavour, just let it lay like the skeletons in your closet.
The classical green fairy has been updated with modern accoutrements; beginning as a photo of Henchman #14, she was rendered to ink by one artist and to paint by another. Henchman #14 did not survive this process. Her rendition was translated to vector where she achieves immortality on the bottle along with the iconic mask logo of The Evil Wizard and Cthulu himself. All hail Cthulu!
We were unable to source radioactive uranium glass for these bottles so we chose a simple yet elegant container of Italian flint and then smothered it with our overbearing shrink-sleeve label. Rest assured, our remaining inventory is being stored in a puddle of toxic waste behind our facility and will be glowing for several millennia.
The layers of wax that strangle the neck of the bottle were created in our lair from paraffin, EVA and minerals. The wax vat was not large enough to fall into. We will use a larger vat next time. The custom stamp atop the wax is from The Evil Wizard’s signet ring, signifying the seal of his approval.
If you need another incentive to purchase this, consider that The Evil Wizard has an orbital death ray. We have convinced him to add the addresses of you minions (customers) to the exclusion list of the targeting system. $45 is a reasonable price for your continued existence. Fair warning.
Spirits of Evil Past
He doesn’t want to use his own 25 foot fractionating reflux distiller because he cannot stand having inspectors in his secret lair. Also it’s filthy. Spiders and racoons live in the rafters, and under the ground are some rather nasty ROUSSs. The Wizard is not big on human rights, much less workplace safety. We used to do facility tours for that quick tourism cash and the hard sale for the bottles, but that all ended when the ground opened up and swallowed the entire group. Our sandworm has a taste for yankee flesh.
Who is the Evil Wizard?
The Evil Wizard has officially retired from his career of Super Villainy. His parole officer suggested that he look to his core proficiencies and get back to what he was doing before he turned to plans of world domination, staged fights with costumed heroes and horrendous but hilarious crimes against humanity. He agreed with her, smirking in that way of his, and vowed to never give up his lifestyle of intoxicating nights, dancing to weird music, cavorting with his sordid underlings, and humiliating his henchmen on a regular basis. After kidnapping a career counsellor and doing a lot of soul searching (he never found it), he looked into his dark heart (stored in a collapsed mineshaft) and found the things that get him out of bed in the afternoon: Death and alcohol.
So now, moonlighting as a mortician, he has returned to his alchemical background and is releasing a line of spirits he is reasonably sure won’t murder anyone. As loath as he was (and loathsome he is) to share his absinthe, that magical elixir which is the source of his nefarious powers and his vigorous longevity, he figured that if his customers (he calls them dirty “minions”) started getting a taste for the depraved nightlife and the urge to knock down some weenies in tights, it would just take the spotlight away from him for a while.
He has been making his Evil Wizard Absinthe since 2005 in machines he built himself (he always cackles when he says that) and has been tweaking the recipe each year. In 2010 the Wizard began developing his line of high percentage cocktails from whiskies, rums, gins and vodkas that he tested on us poor henchmen. By 2013 they didn’t even taste gross anymore! Except for the ones that were designed to be gross. Don’t ask why, we have learned it is simply easier to accept his sick sense of humour. These days, Mr. Wizard’s alchemical chops are in peak form and everything coming out of his lab is pretty tasty. He doesn’t give a damn for inventory control since he drinks most of the product and we long suffering henchmen keep ourselves pretty loose and liquid.
We lost a lot of brothers in our decade long struggles with those capering do-gooders prancing around with their square jaws. We have all got PTSD at this point and drinking takes the edge off the survivors guilt. Henchman #16 still wakes up screaming in the night but his bottle helps. Henchman #6 would rather be fighting still, he’s a mad dog who doesn’t understand that this semi-retirement is a gift. We put rum in his porridge to keep him from smashing up the place. My point is that there is a little excess product and we are offering it to you, the minions, for sale. Cash money. It costs a lot to keep the secret underground lair operating. The lights don’t run on orphan’s tears anymore, this isn’t the eighties.
– Henchman #27
Throughout the years, the Wizard has browbeaten many artists into helping him produce his badly photoshopped labels. Several of them could not bear the strain of the nightmarish fantasy images he lodged in their heads, and are now broken people, gibbering away in basements and attics. His Vileness does enjoy paying royalties to the families of these unfortunate souls, for their care and upkeep (read: tapioca and diapers). It makes him feel generous and self-important.
Swell the ranks! The Evil Wizard needs fresh blood. (A+ and O+ preferred). We are always accepting applications:
- Henchmen – Life expectancy 15 years, highest in the business.
- Sordid Underlings – Complimentary booty shorts provided.
- Acolytes – Please include your mystical affiliations and esoteric educational background.
- Emissaries – Alcohol sales reps preferred, NLP and hypnosis training provided.
- Minions – Thanks for your money. Now scram before we hook you up to one of these infernal machines and we see what you’re made of.
No former sidekicks. Heroism will not be tolerated. Evil Wizard Elixirs is committed to employment equity, but we have already hired our quota of clowns and Juggalos.
Send your CV with complete list of evil deeds, weird powers, and past villain bosses. Include head shots, body measurements, naughty pictures and email to His Vileness.
Unwed mothers, honorary degrees and sacrificial lambs may be shipped to:
Evil Wizard Elixirs, 4682 Ridge Rd, Ramsayville ON K0A 2Y0